Why Can’t I Move on From the Past?
If you feel like you can’t move on from the past, you may wonder why something that happened years ago can still affect you today.
Maybe it happened five years ago. Maybe it happened twenty years ago.
Life has moved forward. You work, take care of responsibilities, have relationships, and do the things you’re supposed to do. From the outside, it may seem like whatever happened is firmly in the past.
But every once in a while, something brings it right back.
A comment. A conflict. A certain place. A relationship. A feeling you can’t quite explain.
Suddenly, you’re anxious, angry, shut down, guarded, or overwhelmed in a way that seems much bigger than what is happening in the moment.
And you may find yourself wondering:
Why can’t I just move on? It happened years ago.
Why Can’t I Move On From the Past?
For people who are still affected by the past, the answer may be that moving forward with life and fully processing a difficult experience are not always the same thing.
People sometimes assume that painful experiences should naturally become less important as time passes. Sometimes they do.
But difficult experiences can continue to influence how a person thinks, feels, responds to stress, and relates to other people long after the event itself is over.
That doesn’t necessarily mean thinking about the experience every day. In fact, some people rarely consciously think about what happened.
Instead, the effects may show up in other ways:
- Becoming unusually anxious in certain situations
- Shutting down or becoming defensive during conflict
- Having difficulty trusting other people
- Feeling responsible for things that aren’t entirely your responsibility
- Avoiding certain people, places, conversations, or situations
- Struggling with guilt, shame, anger, or resentment that never completely goes away
- Repeating relationship patterns without understanding why
- Feeling the need to remain in control
- Knowing intellectually that you are safe while your emotional or physical reactions seem to say otherwise
Sometimes the more helpful question isn’t simply:
“Why am I still thinking about this?”
It may be:
“How is what happened then still affecting the way I live now?”
You Don’t Have to Have PTSD for the Past to Affect You
When people hear the word trauma, they often think of catastrophic events.
But people can be deeply affected by many different kinds of experiences.
It might be a painful childhood, an unhealthy relationship, betrayal, abuse, addiction within the family, bullying, loss, an accident, a frightening medical experience, military service, incarceration, or another period of life when a person felt unsafe, powerless, ashamed, or overwhelmed.
Not everyone who experiences something painful develops post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and having a difficult memory does not automatically mean someone has a mental health diagnosis.
Past experiences can, however, influence beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world around us.
Avoiding the Past Can Work — Until It Doesn’t
One common way people cope with painful experiences is by trying not to think about them.
That makes sense. If something hurts, most people don’t naturally want to move closer to it.
Someone may stay busy, push the memory away, avoid talking about it, minimize what happened, tell themselves other people had it worse, or decide there is no point bringing up something that happened years ago.
For a while, that may seem to work.
But avoiding a painful experience doesn’t necessarily change the way that experience continues to affect someone.
A person may rarely consciously think about the past while still reacting strongly to things that remind them of it in the present.
This is also why trauma therapy doesn’t have to mean endlessly talking about everything painful that has ever happened.
The goal is to understand what continues to interfere with life today and determine what may help create meaningful change.
Why Can Old Experiences Still Feel So Present?
Difficult experiences can become connected with emotions, beliefs, physical reactions, and expectations about what might happen next.
Years later, something in the present may activate some of those same responses.
Logically, a person may understand:
“This situation isn’t the same.”
Emotionally, however, the reaction can feel immediate.
That disconnect can be frustrating.
People may criticize themselves:
Why am I reacting this strongly?
Why does this still bother me?
Why can’t I get over it?
Instead of viewing the reaction as a personal failure, it may be more useful to become curious about it.
What is happening here?
What does this situation remind me of?
Is an old pattern influencing how I’m responding to something happening now?
Understanding those connections can be an important step toward changing them.
What Does It Actually Mean to “Move On”?
Moving on doesn’t require forgetting what happened.
It doesn’t mean deciding that something harmful was acceptable.
It doesn’t necessarily mean forgiving someone who caused harm.
And it certainly doesn’t require pretending that an experience didn’t matter.
Instead, moving forward may mean reaching a point where the past no longer has the same power over the present.
A person may still remember what happened without experiencing the same level of distress.
Old patterns may become easier to recognize before automatically reacting to them.
Relationships may begin to feel different.
Situations that once created intense anxiety, anger, fear, or shame may become easier to navigate.
The goal isn’t necessarily to erase the past.
It is to help the past feel more like something that happened then, rather than something that continues to control what happens now.
How Can Therapy Help With Something That Happened Years Ago?
Therapy for past experiences should not be one-size-fits-all.
Different people need different things.
For some, understanding the connection between past experiences and current patterns can create meaningful change.
Others may benefit from learning practical strategies for managing anxiety, regulating emotions, communicating differently, establishing boundaries, or challenging beliefs they have carried for years.
Some people may benefit from trauma-focused approaches designed to help process distressing experiences.
One such approach is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).
EMDR is a trauma-focused therapy that may help people process distressing memories and the thoughts, emotions, and reactions connected with them.
EMDR does not erase what happened. Instead, treatment is intended to help reduce the distress associated with difficult experiences so those experiences can be remembered without continuing to have the same emotional impact in the present.
EMDR is not necessary or appropriate for every person. Treatment should be based on an individual’s history, concerns, goals, and needs.
Maybe You’re Not “Stuck” — Maybe Something Still Needs Attention
When something happened years ago, it can be tempting to believe that enough time should have made it irrelevant.
But time and healing are not necessarily the same thing.
If a past experience continues to affect relationships, confidence, mood, anxiety, trust, self-worth, or the ability to feel at ease, repeatedly telling yourself to “get over it” may not change the underlying pattern.
That doesn’t mean the past has to define the future.
It may simply mean there is something worth understanding differently.
A person doesn’t have to know whether an experience officially “counts” as trauma before talking with a therapist.
And there is no requirement to have everything figured out before starting therapy.
Sometimes the starting point is simply:
“Something happened, and I don’t think I’m as past it as I thought I was.”
That is enough to begin.
Trauma Therapy in Springfield, MO
Psych Associates provides personalized therapy in Springfield, Missouri, including treatment for trauma, anxiety, depression, substance use concerns, low self-worth, and other experiences that can leave people feeling stuck.
Jeremy Howard, LPC, is one of the therapists at Psych Associates who works with teens and adults experiencing trauma, anxiety, depression, substance use concerns, difficult past experiences, and major life setbacks.
Jeremy is trained in EMDR and other trauma-informed approaches. Treatment is individualized based on each client’s needs and goals rather than following a one-size-fits-all approach.
For someone who has spent years trying to move past an experience but continues to notice its effects, therapy may provide an opportunity to understand those patterns and begin changing the way the past affects life today.
Jeremy is currently accepting new clients.
Learn more about Jeremy Howard, LPC, or schedule an appointment with Psych Associates.